Paradice Games

It’s the end of the year!

louis.lamp — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 02:27:30 +0000

Well, this is about it for 2011. We were all individually celebrating one or more holidays this season and are preparing for celebrating more of them. Think of Hobbits and food and you’ll know us and our holidays. We try to celebrate as many as we can, as the immortal words of a certain Executive Officer, “Every day is a holiday.”

May you have an awesome time – we’ll be here. We’re working on a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff at the moment. We’ll see you next year!

- The Paradice Team

First Book of Twodice, Chapter 7

louis.lamp — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 04:50:07 +0000

7:1 Thy Judgments may be guided in part the experiences of others. For you we have our own. Some do not seem to be a good fit for any of the Seven Deadly Sins. For those, pick one at random if you have to. Your decision is final, and once the staffer and your Lord or Lady is informed; cannot be taken back.
7:2 Emotions and reactions are not to be confused with any particular Sin. A Minion of Envy can become more angry than the hottest Minion of Wrath if you bring up the fairness of the distribution of wealth as it is currently. Much like a Minion of Lust if you insult his or her object of infatuation. Though, what makes a particular person angry can shed light on what Sin is appropriate for them.
7:3 Minions of Envy live in a world where they are the have-nots. They compare their lives to others, being inferior to the others they compare themselves to in matters of achievement, possessions and other strata. Sometimes their perceptions of self are also presented as inferior to others.
7:4 Minions of Gluttony find joy in the experience of consumption, be it food, drugs, gaming (on- or off-line, or other activities where they have their bliss in the activity itself. Some gluttons like being punished, hence the saying. They define their lives by a dominant activity or experience.
7:5 Minions of Greed all fall somewhere on the spectrum of the haves vs the have-nots. They weigh their lives by their possessions and little green pieces of paper. They are willing to take action to get more, and may obsess over wealth; be it their own or someone else’s.
7:6 Minions of Lust enjoy the imagining and execution of carnal acts. Their lives are measured in part by the fetishes and games that they may play in connection with intimate acts and in part by the intimate encounters they have. The target of their encounters may be anything at all. In all, they are distracted by good specimens of the object of their desires.
7:7 Minions of Pride define their lives and potentially the lives of others by the status they hold or held. Their confidence is based on their outstanding personal accomplishments. They can be known to credit themselves first before (or if) they credit others.
7:8 Minions of Sloth love the easy life. The best things in life are enjoyed just by being there, be it a spectator, or just lazing about in their chosen habitat. They may be described as apathetic or lazy. One of the cornerstones of their lives is sometimes regarded as a general lack of stress, so long as they do not add needless stress to their lives about things that otherwise would not impact them.
7:9 Minions of Wrath aren’t necessarily angry. They measure their lives in their successes or failures in exacting vengeance. Their accomplishments may be based on screwing other people over who spurned them. They are not the ones to play a prank on, because they will get you back.
7:10 Here ends the lesson. You should know enough now to begin finding victims to bring out of ignorance and into bondage with you and with us.
7:11 Go forth and subjugate!

Table of Contents

First Book of Twodice, Chapter 6

louis.lamp — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 04:47:13 +0000

6:1 Twodice walked along the beach, and accosted a couple of the Unwashed. They were fresh back from the ocean, having lounged in the sun or been swimming all day. He predicted that the male would be overcome by lustful anger after the prophet referred to the guy’s girlfriend as a lusty thee-legged sloth. The anonymous man communicated his dissatisfaction of Twodice’s assertion through the medium of a very well-muscled extremity.
6:2 It became apparent that not everyone appreciates free and unsolicited Judgment. Even if it’s just a practice round of peer Judgment before the real thing happens (or doesn’t happen) sometime after your life.
6:3 Twodice returned to his home on the Internet broken and bruised. A competitor made a wisecrack about Twodice becoming the next Toothless. Twodice knelt in sending a reply email to the gamer god that he would become a prophet for.
6:4 Let it be known to all that Judgment is not always welcome. It is welcomed less amongst strangers or if it is offered in spontaneity. My Minions shall learn this, and offer Judgment only among those they know, after the new Minion has purchased their pre-order.
6:5 Let it be known that those judged shall hence forth be known as a Minion of (insert appropriate Sin here). This Judgment is based on the manner in which the judge knows the judged, at the time the Judgment is made. The one who is charged to provide Judgment is he or she who shall become the Master of the new Minion.
6:6 Judgment is provided when the Unwashed wishes to be Cleansed. This may take place after the Unwashed agrees to and understands the Terms of Service that describe in vague detail what subjugation might entail. Payment for the pre-order must be arranged prior to Judgment is passed.
It is at this time that the one who is to be Master then says, “Let it be known that I dub thee (name) my Peon of (Sin), and known to others of the Minionhood as a Minion of (Sin).”
6:7 After this, the Master may stick their tongue out at their new Peon. This is a sign that the Peon’s subjugation is in effect. If this conversation is not taking place in person, then sticking thy tongue out may be done through the use of smiley code, “:p” or with the letters T, H and B.
6:8 Once these words are spoken, later that day the Master will email the Lord or Lady who they serve and the staffer who serves them with a notification of who their new Minion is and declare which Sin this Minion is associated with. From the staffer the Master will request that a Registration Number and Placement ID be provided.
6:9 Later that day, the new Peon shall bathe. Thereby becoming clean in their hands, mind and feet.
6:10 This chapter is brought to you by the letter, “A”. Combined with the other letters featured above, spells BATH.

Table of Contents

First Book of Twodice, Chapter 5

louis.lamp — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 04:42:18 +0000

5:1 When introducing one’s self to another, a Minion has three parts to their name.
5:2 The first is known as your name. As in, the name you go by.
5:3 The second part is your Rank: Chum, Parasite, etc.
5:4 The third part is your Circle of Hell. When you join, you will belong to the lowest Circle of Hell possible, the First Circle of Hell. The Circles are separate for members of each Sin, so if a ton of Minions of Gluttony join our… wait no. That wouldn’t be enough. If a ton of Minions of Envy join the Minionhood, the glut of their population would not crowd out Minions of the other Sins.
5:5 The lowest circle is always the First Circle of Hell. The numbers of highest possible Circle of Hell will increase as the numbers of Minions associated with that Sin increase. If the entire active component of the US Army decided to join and all were placed under Wrath, it would look something like this:
5:6 Eighth Circle of Hell, population: 1.
5:7 Seventh Circle of Hell, population 7.
5:8 Sixth Circle of Hell, population 49.
5:9 Fifth Circle of Hell, population 343.
5:10 Fourth Circle of Hell, population 2,401.
5:11 Third Circle of Hell, population 16,807.
5:12 Second Circle of Hell, population 117,649.
5:13 First Circle of Hell, population up to 823,543, plus a lot of vacancies.
5:14 This means that those in the top Circle of Hell are in a league of their own. Placement in the Circles of Hell is not based upon position. Rather it is based on performance, based on three things: the number of Minions you have recruited, the number of decks you yourself pre-ordered, and the number of brownie points we’ve awarded you.
5:15 These three numbers are added together, then dived by three. The highest scoring Minion of each Sin will be in their highest available Circle of Hell. That Circle will always be reserved for ‘first place’. What you may consider ‘second through eighth place’ is the next circle lower than the top. So on and so forth for the rest of the circles.
5:16 There are not eight Circles of Hell or even all nine that we’re starting with. The first is just the First Circle of Hell, possible population of 1. When the population of any particular Sin exceeds one, then there will be a Second Circle of Hell for that Sin. When more than eight Minions are of the same Sin, a Third Circle of Hell will become available.
5:17 You will be informed by a staffer what your Circle of Hell is whenever it changes. Whenever there are enough Minions of a particular to warrant a new Circle of Hell, an update will go out to everyone.
5:18 You may get more elaborate with your introductions to other Minions. “Joe Smith, Chum of the First Circle of Hell” is just fine. However, if you’d like to get fancier, you can find ways of including your relative title and placement into it. Something like, “Your Lord and Master of Greed, Joe Smith, Chum of the First Circle of Hell from the Third Level of the Abyss.” If that’s your style, go knock yourself out.
5:19 The current standings in the Circles of Hell are located on our forums. This is updated more often than never, and mayhap someday it will be automated. Until it is automated, the First Circle of Hell will not be listed, as it will be potentially up to seven times the amount of labor to keep updated.

Table of Contents

First Book of Twodice, Chapter 4

louis.lamp — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 04:29:42 +0000

4:1 Thee has numbers two, given thee by a staffer who works for our prophet, Twodice. Thy Registration Number shall never change. Thy Placement ID can. Thy would do well to reflect on Chapter Two if refreshment on the distinction of these numbers is needed.
4:2 Should a vacancy occur, thy Placement ID may change as the Levels of the Abyss are reorganized. Death, or even worse fates that Minions face everyday may cause a vacancy to occur.
4:3 The Serf who serves their immediate Lord or Lady that shares the same Sin is the one who shall take that Lord or Lady’s place. Ergo, they shall also inherit from their Lord or Lady’s Placement ID.
4:4 The Serf is given one week to answer and consent to leaving their particular team of Accomplices, as notification is due them as it is also due the Serf’s new Lord or Lady and their team of Accomplices that they are joining.
4:5 Should this Serf fail to consent, what with the camaraderie they don’t wish to lose with their current Accomplices, or maybe the way their Accomplice of Envy looks at them, they really just want to stay where they are; the most achieved Minion in the same Sin who holds the next lower rank will be approached.
4:6 When other Minions are asked, a period greater than two business days but less than four calendar days shall be given time to dwell. For the Minions asked, the transfer will result in a promotion, even if it takes place during the dry season. This sets in motion a chain of vacancy filling, until there are no Lords or Ladies who are vacant.
4:7 Thy Placement ID contains a certain number of digits. The number of digits identifies which Level of the Abyss is thy home. So, the Minion whose placement ID is 7535 resides in the Fourth Level of the Abyss. The deeper in the Abyss you are, the longer your commute to work.
4:8 The first digit signifies the Sin of the Minion’s chain of superiors that resides in the First Level of the Abyss. With 7535, that Minion would be Minion of Wrath.
4:9 The second digit signifies which Sin the superior Minion that resides in the Second Level of the Abyss. In the example, this one would be a Minion of Pride.
4:10 The third digit likewise correlates to the Third Level of the Abyss. With the same example, this Minion is the Lord or Lady directly over 7535 and is a Minion of Greed.
4:11 The final digit in the Placement ID is your own spot, where it signifies which Sin you are identified with. In this case, this Minion is a Minion of Pride.
4:12 As it is written, it is possible to have a Placement ID with one or more digits.
4:13 Thy place in the Abyss is determined in part by thy Master’s accomplishments, and the vacancies that exist beneath immediately below thy Master. If thy Master has a vacancy immediately beneath, then ye shall be placed there. This shall be known as the first preference of placement.
4:14 If thy Master has no immediate vacancy, then thy shall be placed at the highest possible Level of the Abyss where a vacancy for your Sin exists. Thy Master’s reward for this is filling vacancies that get possibly more limelight, possibly vacancies on a higher Level of the Abyss than they themselves reside. This shall be known as the second preference of placement.
4:15 The second preference of placement ensures that the highest Levels of the Abyss are filled to capacity as quickly as possible, while allowing each Lord or Lady a chance to be Lord and Master to seven of their recruits.
4:16 A visual representation of the Minionhood may be seen at the colored-text-based visual display, published on-line.

Table of Contents

First Book of Twodice, Chapter 3

louis.lamp — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 04:21:02 +0000

3:1 Thy prophet of true gamers, Twodice, shall give thee Rank and Title. Thy deeds of specific nature and of relative performance form the basis of thine earnings of this type. Ranks are bestowed upon thee upon earning them, utilizing the inadequate ceremony of sending an email. Ranks may be earned during the wet season.
3:2 The seasons are wet and they are dry. The wet season is the period between when a pre-order becomes available and when the game’s production run is ordered. New Minions may be brought into the fold during this time, and higher ranks may be earned as a result. Monies may be sent to Twodice (payable as Paradice Games) for more quantities in a given pre-order.
3:3 The dry season is a time where Brownie Points are more easily earned. The festivities in the forms of conventions and tournaments carry the day. The Circles of Hell enjoy the night in their thematic and varied ways. It is during this time that the Creator(s) are working to get another expansion or a whole new game ready to bring about another wet season.
3:4 The Ranks that thy deeds earn were written on a napkin, which subsequently caught some grease and ketchup and was thrown away.
3:5 The Unwashed are those who are not yet really Minions, even if they signed up to our mailing List. They may progress to a higher station by placing a pre-order. These are also known as the Unenlightened or the Unclean. If Minions fail to take showers at conventions, they too will be treated like the Unclean until they bathe. Rank and Title matter not; if you stink, you will be sent in a direction that does not offend our olfactory sensitivities.
3:6 Chums are the norm for new recruits. Not ‘chums’ in the friendly manner, but more like… fresh shark bait. However, chums do carry the distinction of being Minions, unlike the Unwashed.
3:7 Repeat Offenders have placed more than one order during the same wet season.
3:8 Parasites are those who ordered enough to qualify for free shipping on their pre-order. Beware, for they will probably try to feel better about their order by sucking you into their ranks too.
3:9 Back-scratchers are those for whom one of their recruits had to be placed under someone else, lacking room immediately below themselves. They are served by at least one Serf.
3:10 Lackeys have filled the seven slots immediately subordinate to them. One for each Sin, by design. Also this would be known as having one Level of the Abyss below completely filled. Lackeys have at least seven Chums and Parasites in their service.
3:11 A Doormat is one whose two Levels of the Abyss subordinate to them are completely filled. The Serfs beneath a Doormat number at least forty-nine. In a Doormat’s service there are at least seven Lackeys.
3:12 A Cog is one whose three Levels of the Abyss subordinate to them are completely filled. The Serfs beneath a Cog number at least three hundred and forty-three. In a Cog’s service, there are at least seven Doormats. They make for quite a grand entryway.
3:13 Minionhood has a bit of it’s own misused lexicon. To properly honor our Lords, Ladies and Masters as we are charged to, you must understand what they are to you and what you are to them. It is writ on the back of some junk mail somewhere left underneath the… nevermind.
3:14 Thy Master is the one who recruited you. Thy Master also Judged you, with or without your knowledge. They are the ones who chose what Sin you represent and are represented by.
3:15 Thy Lord or Lady is the one who is placed above you as your superior. They lead you and your Accomplices. When their knowledge and experience are not enough to answer that curiosity new Minions seem to be infected with, it is they who send word further up to get an answer.
3:16 It is possible for thine Master, and Lord or Lady to be the same Minion. You would refer to them as “Lord and Master”.
3:17 Your Peons are those who you have recruited. They will probably ignore the previous verse and go to you with their questions anyway. If this whole thing worked as it was designed to, it might get mistaken for God’s Plan.
3:18 Your Serfs are those who are placed beneath you, with or without your foreknowledge.
3:19 Your Accomplices are the others who serve the same immediate Lord or Lady as you do. They may number as many as six. Accomplices may also be those who you work with as a part of a team, if you are working with others to facilitate a tournament or an Elitist Event.
3:20 These be thy Ranks. They may come with privileges later.
3:21 As often as we are wont to do, announcements about those who earned new ranks may become a routine part of our updates emails. There are certainly other ways to celebrate. Perhaps the two words that would normally be least likely to read together in these chapters: ‘celebrate responsibly.’

Table of Contents

First Book of Twodice, Chapter 2

louis.lamp — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 00:00:45 +0000

2:1 Twodice returned to the world from his trip to the bathroom with new writings on paper that is native to that part of the world. After reflecting on a conversation he had with a burning pile of shredded records that took place in the back yard, he began to understand his calling.
2:2 He said unto the serfs and the peons below, “My name is Twodice, and you are all mine. You are my Minions, who possibly somehow personify the seven deadly sins. The status of being my Minion cannot be traded, sold, given, willed or otherwise taken from you.”
2:3 Those who are not one of the Minions are members of the Unwashed Hordes. Be warned that they may envy your status as a Minion; following the false games the false gamers fall for. However, for one of the Unclean to become a Minion, they need only pre-order a game from Paradice during the time that pre-orders are available. During the dry season, when no pre-orders are available, there shall be no new Minions inducted. May we have a minimum of dry seasons while awaiting the next Flood.
2:4 The one who is to be your Master will say unto you what Sin you represent best in their presence. Once said, the bond between you and that Sin is unbreakable. No matter what, your Master who spoke the fateful Word unto you is not in error.
2:5 If your Master is in error, please read Chapter 2, verse 4.
2:6 Who among the Minions would let themselves live with the knowledge that others close to them such as their families and friends may also be part of the Unwashed Horde? Every gamer deserves a chance of redemption in the eyes of Twodice. The Eyes of Twodice are only seen appropriately when you roll two ones, aptly named ‘snake eyes’. As a Minion, it is up to you to convert the willing such that those blessed with the gaming compulsion to be inducted into the Minionhood.
2:7 Unto them you must sing the praises of Twodice, who makes a nice and indirect serpent allegory. Invite them to meet your Lord, Lady or Master, Accomplice or other Minion (whomsoever is most available and capable) so that they may impress upon your Unwashed friend(s) our general lack of shared values, or even the general lack of values. Let your superior guilt trip them into buying such a quantity that they qualify for free shipping.
2:8 Do for your Serfs and Peons as other Minions have done for you.
2:9 Lead your Serfs in fellowship, giving weekly Praises to Twodice. If your Lord or Lady cannot help you, they shall contact their superiors, until an answer is found. Should you be unable to wait, you may ask your question on the forums, in the section set up for Minions or send Twodice a personal prayer (in the form of a private message) there.
2:10 Twodice has a fascination with the number two. As such, two forms of ID are delivered unto all Minions. The first is a Registration ID, a counting of how many Minions have ever walked the Earth before you. The second is a Placement ID, a numerical representation of your place within the Minionhood.
2:11 The Placement ID only uses the numbers 1-7, as each Sin is given a number. The number of digits in your Placement ID tells you how deep in the endless Levels of the Abyss you are. Your number is the last digit. The numbers preceding that denote who your successive superiors are all the way to the top.
2:12 The numbers for each Sin are as follows: 1 for Envy, 2 for Gluttony, 3 for Greed, 4 for Lust, 5 for Pride, 6 for Sloth and 7 for Wrath. If your number is 357, your Sin is Wrath, serving beneath Pride, who ultimately is under someone identified as Greed. With three digits in your Placement ID, you would exist in the third level of the abyss.
2:13 The time for feeding is at hand. This writer is off to go get something to eat.

Table of Contents

First Book of Twodice, Chapter 1

louis.lamp — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 23:53:54 +0000

1:1 In the beginning, there was this group of proud gamers, American soldiers stationed in Germany, who looked at the games that were being played and all was not good. Being soldiers stationed in Germany and drinking beer legally long before they otherwise could in the United States were not the problem. It was… the games themselves.
1:2 These gamers deluded themselves into thinking that they could create a better game. And so it came to pass that they endeavored, empowered by their delusions of grandeur, on a new game. That game is an RPG, set on the back-burner long ago. All is delayed, waiting for the next Flood. In the meantime, these gamers set forth on instead creating a (not quite collectible) card game barely based on the Bible and other religious dogma. This game is known as ‘SIN’. Come Hell or high water, the game will get made. Hence why our Minions are bringing a kinder, gentler Hell on Earth.
1:3 The True History of the Internet
1:4 Twodice returned from the bathroom, and upon a roll of toilet paper, there was scrawled a message from the fearsome but otherwise genial Lord of the Minions, himself.
1:5 We were merely game masters, who brought you out of ignorance and into the house of bondage. We are jealous of the success of games that we see as inferior. We are also jealous about the clothes-mindedness surrounding game marriage. We sit upon a pedestal, not a soapbox. Therefore, we bring you the following Table Rules that were made up while Twodice was on the toilet.
1:6 Thou shalt hold none hostage.
1:7 Thou shalt honor thy Master and thy Lord or Lady.
1:8 Thou shalt not complain about what SIN thy Master chose for you.
1:9 Thou shalt not lead thyself or others down the road of false expectation.
1:10 Thou shalt not commit criminal acts then blame us.
1:11 Thou shalt spend only thine own money on us.
1:12 Thou shalt not offer us services in exchange anything other than our favor.
1:13 Thou shalt not sell or share the contact information of any Minion without their consent.
1:14 Thou shalt not bear false identities in order to pad thine own numbers.
1:15 Thou shalt not use your status as a Minion to gain advantage when playing against those who are not.
1:16 If you need to reach us, reach your Master and Lord or Lady first. Our focus is on SIN and our Minions, and while it’s great to hear from you and answer every question, each communication takes time away from doing what we need to do to produce a great game.
1:17 Expect a staff email that introduces you to thy Lord or Lady and Master as well as any Accomplices you may have (up to 6).
1:18 Thou art invited to join us on the Paradice Games forums, where thou may become publicly affiliated with the Minions and recognized by the Sin that you are assigned. There, thou may start asking others “What’s your Sin?”, as it is more efficient than “What’s you’re sign?” by one letter.
1:19 Thou may find this and other lessons posted on-line (linked eventually), in the event you need them for reference or would like to read ahead.

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Paradice Minions Terms of Service

louis.lamp — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 02:20:25 +0000

Paradice Minions Terms of Service version 1.0 effective November 11th, 2011

1:1 These Terms are subject to change. Updates will supersede this version, and a new effective date and version will be posted. Existing Minions and others participating in the pre-order will be given notice.
1:2 This is a pre-order for a game that may or may not see the light of day. As such, refunds may not be possible. If you would like to request a refund, send an email to louis (dot) lamp (at) paradice (dot) net.
1:3 We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone at anytime for any reason. We will exercise this right as sparingly as possible.
1:4 By making this purchase, you represent that you are eighteen years of age or older.
1:5 We are not an excuse for your conduct.
1:6 When your deck(s) are ready to ship, we will confirm your shipping address and invoice you for the cost of shipping and handling.
1:7 Your decks will not ship until S&H is paid. As the levels of the organization fill up and the price per deck gets lower, you will be given a credit with us for the difference in price.
1:8 We will keep you informed about our progress provided you do not unsubscribe from our mailing list. You may unsubscribe for any reason, at any time.

Other Terms of Service:

2:1 We have heard of some so-called ‘civil rights’. You can have some of them if you want, but don’t expect us to be civil about it.
2:2 We are equal opportunity bastards. We will not use age, sex, gender, religion, ethnicity, personal alignment or toilet paper preference as the butt of our jokes or the subject of our insults until we get bored of not doing it.
2:3 We will treat you like crap. If we start sugar coating the bush we’re beating, the lawyers are probably on their way.
2:4 Your information will not be shared, released, published or sold except to the holy shrubberies. The nick name or stage name you provide us will be published by us when your accomplishments are notable and recognition for your misdeeds is deserved.

Minions | Benefits of Minionhood | Become a Minion

We are still alive!

louis.lamp — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 20:32:44 +0000

This is just a quick note, that right now we’re redoing one of our other websites, preparing to return to Kickstarter and we sent our leerless feeder (that would be me) packing to college for the summer, so that we can party at the office all night long while he’s away. More to come from around the corner on the 11 o’clock news.