No one was considering the benefits of slavery when it was outlawed, so many years ago. In fact, many countries still practice slavery in one form or another. According to Wikipedia, slavery both predates written history and the number of slaves is at an all-time high, 12-27 million world-wide. That at least outnumbers the Americans who became unwitting slaves of other pyramid schemes to get rich quick. They also number in the millions – 15 million according to Penn & Teller’s sources (on their show “Bullshit”, linked in the main Minions article).
In other pyramid schemes that use network marketing or multi-level marketing (MLM), they give you this expectation that you’re going to make gobs of money hand over fist. For the faithful who truly believe in what they’re doing, there’s nothing worse than doing everything that they tell you to do, and spending hundreds to thousands of dollars to make a measly fifty or a hundred bucks. To prevent this nose-dive loss of faith for you, we won’t give you any money. (1)
As you recruit everyone you ever met and have them send us all of their worldly monies to pre-order decks, the price for more decks will decrease by a dollar for every level that gets filled to capacity. (2) This discount is retro-active – all those who bought decks earlier at a higher price will have a credit that can go towards more decks or shipping and handling; the credit will be applied whenever the price of decks decreases. (3) So, lower prices for everybody.
We employ what is known as “Notwork Marketing”. Because the financial barrier to entry is fifteen dollars or less, it shouldn’t be terribly hard to convince everyone you see that they should pre-order a deck too. (4) Getting lots of folks to join in and pre-order decks (which might be a recurring theme here), will get you kudos in the forms of rank in our Minion army and the possibility of engaging in some elitist events with us. (5,6)
In other pyramid schemes, sometimes you join and the person who recruited you just ‘expects’ you to jump up and start succeeding like he or she did(n’t). You wind up in a world opened up where you can never seem to reach anybody to ask questions you didn’t think of when you sat through a thirty three hour presentation, interview and sales transaction. Unlike some of these other ‘direct sales’ organizations, you will be assigned a Lord or Lady and a Master if you lack one. (7) Beyond this, you will also be introduced to your accomplices (up to six of them), who work for the same Lord or Lady that you do. Finally, we have forums where our Minions, the unclean and unenlightened hordes get together – where you will never be lacking in your ability to find other equally qualified Minions to ask your pathetic and stupid questions. (8)
Educational materials will be sent to you every three days via email after joining (this is something you’ll have to opt-in to after purchasing a deck), as well as being posted somewhere on-line. (9) Heck, if you want to review our brain-washing materials before you purchase, you’ll find handy links somewhere around here to the lessons. (10) Oh, and get this, receiving your educational materials is free! (11) Unlike some of our competition.
One of the things you’ll learn in our educational materials is how to judge others in the context of Sin. Specifically, judging which Sin is best represented in those you recruit, as you recruit them. (12) Why allow the unenlightened risk going to Heaven after their Judgment at the Pearly Gates? With your help, they can undergo a practice run with you that isn’t nearly as slow or costly as the court system. (13)
We depend on our Minions for the sustenance your money provides us and to provide us with feedback on questions we may have about things we’re working on. In other words, you might get to talk to us! (14) We may ask for your help in testing, or your assistance in running demos, tournaments or other events. This may get you cool points out there amongst the unwashed hordes and brownie points with us. (15) These brownie points will help you gain more rank and privileges. There may be more that you get that we can’t speak of right now – because we already mentioned something about screwing with your expectations. We’d rather screw your wallet, frankly, and see if we can keep greenbacks from becoming listed as an endangered species.
Stretching the definition of ‘benefit’ as far as we can, here is the list of benefits that you get:
1 You don’t have to expect to get money from us. We won’t give you any.
2 The more people you bring in, the less the decks of SIN costs you.
3 The cost reduction is applied across the board, so everyone will pay the same price per deck.
4 The cost to you to join is $15 or less, instead of hundreds or thousands of dollars.
5 You will start out at a low rank in our Minion Army.
6 You will gain access to some Elitist Events that the unwashed hordes are excluded from.
7 You will be introduced to plenty of superiors that can help you get started.
8 You will also be able to send your questions to other Minions on our forums.
9 Educational materials will be sent your way at no cost to you and kept on-line for reference.
10 Said reference materials are available to you even before you send us money!
11 Our educational materials are free, unlike those other guys.
12 You will learn how to judge others more effectively.
13 You will be able to give others Judgment much more easily than dying or being convicted in court.
14 You will have better access to us than the unwashed hordes.
15 You can get cool points with your fellows, and brownie points with us!
Step right up and begin your subjugation. Or, take a look at our reference materials.